From time to time, readers ask me to feature my last published newspaper column, the one that got me fired.
So here it is....and it seems to get a little more innocuous with each reading:
A HaircutIn Wendel's WorldI repeat: 'do not repeat'
by Wendel Potter
January 2, 2005
Just before Christmas I was getting shaggy. As a matter of fact, I was getting so shaggy that the family was calling our dog Scooby.
It had been eight months since I'd had a "real" haircut. You know, where you go to a shop or a salon and sit in a chair with a sheet draped over you.
In the meantime, the Good Wife had been using her "home barber kit" to keep my hair trimmed. Come to think of it, I still got to sit in a chair with a sheet draped over me. In this instance, the only difference was that I could sit in my underwear and I got to kiss my barber.
But Christmas morning would mean that GW would be prowling around, camera in hand, snapping one picture after another as the family opened our presents. On film, me in the morning is bad enough. Me looking like a troll would certainly spoil the Christmas pictures.
So the time had come for me to turn to a professional. Since it had been awhile, I didn't kick about it and went ahead and showed up for the appointment my wife had made for me. (She also drove me there and shoved me through the salon door.)
I guess I hadn't realized just how long it had actually been until the haircut was over and it came time to pay. For some reason, the price of a haircut had gone up five bucks since I was last there! I began to wonder if the Middle East crisis and the price of oil could in any way affect cutting hair.
Since it was the Christmas season and only the second time I'd had my hair cut professionally in 2004, I didn't squawk. I didn't tip, either. But I didn't squawk.
It will, however, probably be another eight months before my next salon appointment. I've already started saving my pennies.
Now, the more I got to thinking about it, I decided there must be a reason for the price of a haircut to skyrocket. I concluded that it must have to do with the barber/stylist's degree of expertise as well as the extras they offer, the little things you used to expect free with a haircut back in the days when it only cost a dollar and a half.
So here's a few guidelines I've developed that might possibly save us all some money on our next haircut. Maybe they won't but it's worth a try.
First of all, when choosing someone to cut your hair, determine that person's professional status. Be wary of titles. Is your person a barber or a stylist? This will determine whether you will have your hair barbed or styled. Barbing is, of course, much cheaper.
What are the qualifications of the barber/stylist? Does she display diplomas and certificates at her workstation and always seems to be so busy when you walk in that you might have to wait an extra 10 minutes?
If so, she may be too pricey. Instead, ask for the barber in the corner with no customers, who's leafing through a magazine she obviously can't read. You can spot her right away: straggly hair, acne, ketchup stains on her smock and a hand-written degree from Kojak's Barber School in Tipperary.
"Where's Tipperary?" you ask.
"Oh," she says, "it's a long way."
Then again, saving money shouldn't always be your first priority.
But whichever barber/stylist you choose, be careful of the extras. Nothing is complimentary. For instance, if your person insists on shampooing your hair before cutting it, allow her to only lather and rinse. For God's sake, DO NOT LET HER REPEAT! That could be another buck right there.
Be careful when it comes to suggestions or recommendations. For instance, "Would you like me to trim your eyebrows?"
Oh, boy! There's a sucker punch! That's probably worth 50 cents a brow!
Tell her, "I have no eyebrows and please do not disturb the two caterpillars mating on my forehead. In the spring, I'll have a butterfly up there."
Offer to save your barber some time. Tell her that she doesn't need to use the little vacuum to suck up the loose hair.
I have learned from my dog how to shake myself off. Of course, I now turn in a circle three times before I sit down and I scratch on the back door when I have to pee.
But learning to shake yourself off could mean a few cents saved on your next haircut. On the other hand, it can be kind of exciting if the barber/stylist drops the vacuum hose in your lap.
You'll just have to decide for yourself how much those extras are worth to you.
As for me, I'm willing to try anything to save some money. However, for the next eight months, I think I'll stay home and kiss the barber.
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If you would like to have Wendel speak at your next event
contact him by email: wendelspeaks@yahoo.com
My monologue jokes, as well as my columns, appear at:
http://www.wendelpotter.blogspot.com
Read my article on comedy writing:
http://aclnk.com/ar2369640
Please visit:
My Good Wife's World:
http://goodwife95.webs.com/
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