DRUG THROUGH LIFE
by Wendel Potter
May 14, 2005
If television doesn't stop bombarding us with all those ads for prescription drugs, I'm going to actually need medication. Those commercials are making me sick!
Fortunately, I'm still too young or of the wrong gender to suffer from most of the maladies mentioned. That in itself spells relief.
America must be attracted to all this medication hype, however, because those commercials keep popping up, convincing the gullible that every ache and pain is a forewarning of a possibly debilitating illness but help is on the way in pill form.
So belly up to the pharmacy counter, folks, and plunk down your hard earned dollars on this miracle capsule or that wonder-working tablet. But, first, make sure to tell your doctor if you have any history of heart disease, liver malfunction, or sudden bleeding from the eyes. He'll prescribe the pills anyway, but will closely monitor your situation (at $100 an office visit).
What some enterprising back yard pharmacologist really needs to do is come up with a pill that will cure all those nasty side effects those highly touted medicines might possibly cause.
Because it sounds as though the side effects-which may include nausea, vomiting, shingles, scabies, paranoia with intent to maim, and projectile diarrhea-are actually worse than the disease for which the original drug was intended.
Not that drugs are all bad. After all, I'm from the boomer generation, one of those who matured (?) in the late 1960's, somewhere between the Summer of Love and Woodstock.
Drugs Were Us and drugs were evil! That was according to the Establishment-the same group of folks at whom today's medicinal advertisements are aimed.
Although I've never done any hard drugs, I've popped plenty of over-the-counter pain killers. Mostly Aspirin and Tylenol. They call them analgesics.
Come to think of it, analgesic sounds like something you should stick in your butt. Maybe I've been doing it wrong all these years. Perhaps that's why they haven't effectively knocked my tension headaches. At least they relieve my hemorrhoids.
My first drug experience was an experiment with those little orange pills: St. Joseph Baby Aspirin. I was five years old.
Kindergarten had been particularly stressful that morning. My finger-painting turned out all wrong; I was traumatized by Story Time which involved the nightmarish perils of the Three Billy Goats Gruff attempting to cross a bridge without being eaten by a wicked Troll; and at Snack I was forced to share my space with a girl named Ella who rarely bathed.
So, when I returned home after school, to the medicine cabinet I went. Why bother my mother? I had suffered from headaches before so I knew the routine. Chew a couple of those aspirin and lie down for a few minutes.
But this was a BIG headache so I figured, I needed a BIG dosage. Why take two tablets now and two a few hours later and so on? I'll just take six and be done with it. Nip it in the bud!
My plan worked. The headache disappeared almost instantly.
However, I was unusually giddy the rest of the afternoon, threw up my lunch, and marveled at the brilliant colors of the cartoons I watched on television (although we had a black and white set).
I must have inherited this fascination with pharmaceuticals from my father's family. They were great pill sharers.
These days you can get arrested if you have a prescription drug in your possession unless you are the prescriptee. If that was the case forty years ago, most of my relatives from the Potter branch would be sitting behind bars.
In the midst of a good bull session about their health problems, Dad and his siblings would always haul out their various medications and compare them, then insist that one try the other's.
These are the same staunch Republican types who condemned the Young and the Restless for their wicked ways when the Psychedelic Age was ushered in and Pot and LSD became synonymous with Hippies and Rock 'n Roll.
Pill popping-from aspirin to vitamins to prescription drugs-is more popular than ever. We've gone from "if it feels good, do it" to "if you don't feel good, take this". We have become a dependent culture.
The Pusher Man is alive and well in this society and making some serious money. His commercials are causing me some nasty side effects.
Copyright 2005 Wendel Potter
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