Just in time for Christmas:A grilled velveeta virgin to go.December 5, 2004
Cheeses, Mary and Joseph! Just when I thought things on this planet couldn't get much weirder, up pops a news item that really takes the cake -- or in this case, sandwich.
Perhaps you've read about it. A Florida woman, Diana Duyser, recently sold a partially eaten cheese sandwich for $28,000 on e-Bay.
"Is there gold in that thar cheese?" you might be asking. No, but imprinted in the sandwich is a likeness of the Virgin Mary.
That's the claim by Ms. Duyser. She says that 10 years ago she fixed herself a grilled cheese sandwich and had taken only one bite when she saw the image of a woman adorning her lunch.
"I would like all people to know that I do believe that this is the Virgin Mary Mother of God," Duyser said in a statement.
I saw a picture of the Holy Grill on the Internet and if you squint just right, you actually can make out what appears to be the face of a woman blended into the cheese on Ms. Duyser's bread. I guess it's what you might call an open-faced sandwich.
Personally, I think the image looks more like Madonna the pop star, rather than the other, holier Madonna.
Well, when Diana realized she had bitten off more than she could chew, she quickly put the sandwich in a plastic box and has kept it all these years. And to think my wife throws out leftover fruit salad after one day! I'll bet she wouldn't if she saw the Virgin Mary staring up at her from a pineapple wedge.
So after all this time, and seeing the sandwich miraculously never grew mold, Ms. Duyser decided to share her religious snack with the world. She put up photos on e-Bay's auction site and announced that the Velveeta Virgin was for sale.
Initially, e-Bay yanked the auction, assuming it was some kind of bad joke. Come on! Who would joke about the mother of Jesus appearing on a cheese sandwich?
Later, after being convinced that Ms. Duyser was quite serious, the online page was restored. This was the report to the media by an e-Bay spokesperson. If you've ever dealt with e-Bay, then you know the real miracle in this instance was finding a live person at e-Bay that would talk to anybody.
So, let the bidding begin.
And bid they did! The grand winner was GoldenPalace.com, an online casino that "won" the Virgin Mary cheese sandwich for $28,000. At a grand ceremony in Florida, a representative of GoldenPalace handed the check over to Ms. Duyser.
The plan? The new owners, calling the sandwich a "religious icon," are sending the "Still Virgin With Bread" on tour around the world for all to see.
"I'll miss her greatly," Ms. Duyser said.
Yeah, right. Meanwhile this woman who would sell out Jesus' mother for $28,000 received her big bucks while parading about in a T-shirt that bears a picture of the sandwich along with the words, "Passion of the Toast."
Real sentimental gal, that Diana. I suppose when Good Friday rolls around she'll claim to find a figure of Jesus nailed to her T-bone steak.
Now, really! Just why in the world would the mother of Jesus put her face on a grilled cheese sandwich? Is she trying to tell us to eat more dairy products?
Next thing you know the highways of America will be lined with billboards featuring a picture of Mary with a Velveeta moustache. The ad will read: Got Cheese?
This is America and it all boils down to greed and this sandwich is going to make big money for some already fat cats. And it started with Diana Duyser and her $28,000 lunch.
If she really thought she had a holy, miraculous image embedded in her cheese sandwich, I cannot believe she would have sold it for any amount of money. At least not unless the "Virgin Mary, A tTalking Mother of God" sandwich would have been worth much, much more than $28,000. Unless Mary only talked to Diana and nobody else, kind of like Mr. Ed.
I for one would not shell out a thin dime to see the sandwich. But you can bet there are those who will. They'll line up and plunk down their hard-earned money and will come away thinking that they have looked into the face of the mother of Christ spread like Miracle Whip on a toasted hunk of 10-year old white bread.
P.T. Barnum was right when he said, "There's a sucker born every minute." There are plenty of silly and misguided folks in this country who will believe anything. Worse, there are plenty of evil charlatans who will take advantage of their ignorance.
As for me, I'm pretty sure that sandwich must have been made with Swiss cheese because as far as I'm concerned, Diana Duyser's story is full of holes.
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